


I Am the Terror(ist) in Your Heart

by mewsifer, SniperMoran



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Fluff, Heartman doesn't mind, Heartman isn't afraid, Higgs is a broken boy, LOTS of Questions, M/M, Particle of God, Smut, confusing reference is confusing and means nothing, except Heartman is Clarice, quid pro quo Clarice, so Higgs is Hannibal?, what even are these tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mewsifer/pseuds/mewsifer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SniperMoran/pseuds/SniperMoran
Summary: Heartman can't stop thinking about the man in the golden mask, HiggsOnly, as it happens, whenever someone thinks so persistently about him, Higgs can find himself suddenly transported there, with that person.aka another poorly worded summary by me, but another fun little rare-pair written by myself and mewsifer via Telegram
Relationships: Heartman/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 21
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Higgs is a LOT and Heartman is sure he can handle that

Another bombing was attempted, but thankfully Sam had been careful, and he and Fragile had gotten rid of the damned thing. Somehow, Higgs had infiltrated Bridges, and no one was talking, no one was trying to figure this out.

No one, except Heartman.  
He was going through security footage, going through data collected from the distro where Sam had picked up the order to be delivered. Still, he came up with nothing. There was no discrepancies in the data, no faces that weren't supposed to be there showed up on the footage available.

"How did you get in...?" He murmured to himself, pacing his padded floor, his AED and alerts system muted so as not to disturb his thinking.

As if something was calling his name, his attention was pulled to a different place. He turned to it, moving through space to see what was wanting his attention so badly. 

"I think I might have gotten in... a little like this." Higgs answered, materializing into the room, bouncing around to be behind the man. 

He stuck his face close to the man's neck, breathing him in and letting a breath out with a shudder. "Oh, don't you smell delicious!? Spend time on the Beach lately?"

The man gasped, feeling warm breath on his neck, he jumped away, the alert for his heart rate flashing red.

"Higgs!" He exclaimed, looking around for something to defend himself with, not that that would help. Shortly, whether he found a weapon or defensive item or not, his body would be defenseless.

"How did you... how did you do that? How did you get in...?" He asked, putting aside his fear in favor of possibly learning something new.

**5 minutes until cardiac arrest.**

"Ooh, looks like you don't have much time to figure it out. Do ya?" Higgs grinned, stepping back once before disappearing and reappearing behind him again, dragging his tongue along the side of his face. 

"Oh no fun... you don't taste of fear. Wonder what else you might taste like?" He purred in the man's ear. 

What a great change of pace! He was just starting to get bored too!

Heartman jumped again, his heart rate spiking when he felt the other man's tongue against his skin.

"Your ability is like Fragile's in the sense that you can jump from one place to another, using and manipulating the chiral matter around you to move... but even she has a difficult time jumping to a place she has never seen before..." he murmured, trying to ignore the heat of his neck and his cheeks, the flashing red alert of his heart still pounding rather heavily.

He made his way to his chair just as the 2 minute warning sounded, telling him to proceed to a safe place.

"So how do you jump to a place you've never seen...? You've never been to my lab before, hardly anyone has been." He lay back, trying to relax, despite the literal terrorist standing in his lab, teasing and taunting him.

"Forgive me, but I still have more questions. I'll be back in 3 minutes," Heart added, opening his eyes to look Higgs over, a puzzled look still on his face, even as his heart monitor flat lined.

Higgs watched the man die, interested that he so calmly went into it, even though he, a terrorist, _practically a God_ , was here in his lab. He felt anger and frustration bubble up in his stomach, following the man in his jump to the Beach. 

_'You can't get away from me that easily!' He growled, having himself a little temper tantrum, grabbing the man by his jacket lapels. 'I do like when they're smart. You may be intelligent but you're flat out stupid.'_

_The man smirked lightly as he looked at Higgs, a brow quirked curiously. 'Upset that I left you alone, so you followed me here?' He asked, tilting his head, unphased by being called stupid._

_Many people thought that smart things were stupid when they didn't like or agree with said intelligence._

_'Interesting... did you somehow pinpoint my ka because of the close proximity to my ha, or...' he furrowed his brow, looking as though he was solving some rather difficult equation.  
'You are quite a phenomenon... how do you do it? Jump so precisely, when you have no idea where you're going?'_

_Higgs growled, shaking Heartman, angry that he didn't seem to be afraid. ' **I AM A GOD!** The Beaches are my domain! I rule over the realm of death! I can control anything I want from this side!' He threatened, pulling Heartman against him and whispering against his mouth. 'There isn't anywhere I can't get to you.' He hissed._

_His cheeks warmed a bit as his heart raced, glad that they were here, on the Beach, where he didn't have a heart monitor to announce how quickly his heart was beating._

_'Amazing...' he murmured quietly, feeling the static power in the air around them, realizing that was from Higgs' unstable emotional state. He really did have power, even here. Perhaps more power here than out._

_'You are also a repatriate, correct? You go into the Seam and can return to your body?'_

_'I don't die! Can't and won't.' Higgs hissed, quieting himself a moment before looking him over again._

_'Oh, look at you... you're enjoying this aren't you? This isn't all just the boring paperwork of being in the lab is it? Naughty naughty.' He purred, realizing he still had the upper hand somewhere._

_Heartman blinked a few times, clearing his throat. 'I don't actually have very much paperwork for the sort of thing I do. I type all of my records and store them virtually,' he replied, trying to play off Higgs' words as if he didn't know exactly what the other man was poking his finger into._

_'Anyway- but let's say somehow you did die... you'd come back, wouldn't you? Not as I do, but as Sam does?' He asked, trying to keep their conversation on track of his getting information, not straying too far down whatever path was more interesting to Higgs._

_'I have an idea! Let's play a game, you do like games, don't you?' Higgs grinned, lifting him up off the ground before letting go of his hold on the other man's shirt. He walked away as he tabled to the ground, circling him as he spoke._

_'Of course you do! Look at you!' He teased with a grin. 'For every one of the questions you ask, and I answer, you give me something I want. Sound fun!?' He jumped to right in front of Heartman again, letting his tongue slide along his face again, biting his bottom lip as he pulled away. 'Sure it does.' He purred before jumping away from him again._

_The sudden change in behavior threw Heartman a bit, but he tried to keep up, watching Higgs curiously, taking in his words until the sting of teeth on his lip sidetracked his brain._

_'You have to answer my questions as honestly as you can, then. It won't count if you give me some snarky, cocky, half-assed answer,' he replied, a shudder running through his spine. It was either from the near suffocating static energy in the air from Higgs jumps, or from- ...well._

_'My three minutes here is almost up. If you want to play your game, you'll have to follow me back and forth- can you handle doing that?' He asked, mostly because he actually was curious if there was a limit to Higgs' power and his control over it._

Unable to await his answer, Heartman slipped from the Beach, waking back up on his chair.

Hiss was already back at Heartman's lab when he woke, sitting in the mans lap facing him with a smirk. "Yes, I think you'll end up being quite impressed with my stamina." He purred, running his fingers along the man's jaw. 

"Oh. That does count as an answer, doesn't it? I hope so. I do hope you'll forgive, I do have a preference toward cocky." He grinned, making a show of grinding his hips back against Heartman's lap. "Unf... and it seems you might just be able to satisfy that preference."

The unexpected voice startled him, but the weight in his lap was a bit more startling as he came to, his heart rate spiking again, so easily.

"I- nnn...." Heartman closed his eyes and forced out a sharp breath, the pressure of languid hips against his lap was... unexpectedly pleasant. He couldn't help his reaction, nor his body's reaction. "...ssssuppose that means I give you something you want, then," he hummed quietly, trying to keep his voice steady.

It had been so long since he had been touched, teased this way... He had nearly forgotten the way it felt, and the light-headed warmth that came with it.

"Ooh! I would say that would do for now, but you see, I'm a greedy little thing." Higgs purred, rolling his hips down to feel the man's reaction a little better. 

"A name. I want to know your name; so much more fun to do all this when there's something to shout, don't you think?" He chewed his own lip, looking down at the other man with a playful, smoldering look in his eyes.

This would certainly do to pass the time.

The feeling of those hips against him made him whimper softly, swiping away the flashing notification of dangerous levels of heart rate, muting the alerts.

"Heartman," he breathed, looking up at Higgs carefully, his eyes catching on the man's teeth on his own lip, flicking to that heated look in his eyes.

Despite everything Heartman knew of Higgs, all the bad and all the terror he brought with him... he couldn't help admit silently to himself that he was a very beautiful man. A very interesting man, too.

"My turn," he breathed, having taken a shuddering deep breath to calm himself, to settle his heart at least temporarily. "Really, how do you jump so accurately? Do you think about something in particular? Do you hone in on some chiral signature or...?" He looked at a loss, but so extremely intrigued.

However this time with Higgs came to be, it was a gift.

Higgs rolled his eyes, jumping to lounge along the couch, feet up on the cushions. "Ugh, boring. You're all business." He crossed his arms in a pout, enjoying the sight of the man's cock straining in his pants. 

"A little touch starved, aren't you? Poor thing." He said in mock pity. 

"Fine, I don't know how I do it, just can. You say my name and I know it. I can come to answer your prayers!" He held his arms up, shaking his hands in a playful praise gesture. "Hallelujah!" He called out with a laugh, jumping again so he was sitting on Heartman's desk this time.

"I can be anywhere there's chiral matter."

"So, literally anywhere, then. I don't know anywhere that doesn't have chiral matter in some way shape or form," he murmured, following Higgs' voice to look at him, lounging so easily on his desk.

"Please be careful; I have sensitive equipment on my desk," he grumbled, his turn to bit his lip as he awaited the return.

What did Higgs get from this game, besides what seemed to be a decent amount of fun?  
...or, perhaps that was precisely what he got out of this. Fun. He was enjoying seeing Heartman squirm, the man could tell, especially from how he had teased about Heartman being touch starved. It was true of course, but he prefer such a thing not be broadcast, or noticed by the leader of the terrorists...

"Yeah? What about the sensitive equipment in your pants?" He smirked, jumping to stand in front of- well, more like leaning against- Heartman again. He was standing with his hand cupping the front of the other man's pants. 

He rubbed softly, making a low cooing noise. "Mmh... not bad. My turn!" He hummed, pressing their shoulders together, close enough to share breaths. "Hmm... let's see... when was the last time you really lived in your body? You seem to have a preference for time on the Beach, and the rest of it spent up here." He tapped the temple of Heartman's head, licking his lips as he continued to move his other hand.

He was suddenly glad he had muted his heart monitor when another whimper was pulled from his lips as Higgs rubbed at the sensitive bulge in his pants.

"My...." his breath shuddered, voice a bit strained though he tried to control it. "My job involves researching the Beach, so of course I have a preference to being there," he murmured, each word seeming to be chosen carefully, as his brain currently wasn't functioning at optimal levels.

Each movement of Higgs' hand sent shudders through Heartman, his body reacting despite his rathering that it didn't.  
"I...nnn....10 years ago. 10 years ago was when I still was living in this body, instead of dying in it."

His body was heated and he knew his pupils were surely blown as he looked up at Higgs, so close to him that their warm breaths were one, though his were a bit more labored.

"Oh! Best not to get you too worked up yet! I'm sure you have plenty of questions!" Higgs' eyes went wide, an excited grin flashing across his face, giving Hartman's cock one last pat before jumping across the room again. 

This time, he sat cross-legged atop a display case holding the petrified heart of something long dead. His shoes were off now, bare feet and wiggling toes as he watched the man with interest.

"It's your turn and we're on a time limit. I'm going to add a new rule, if you don't ask a question within a time limit, I get two turns! Up the ante a little! Sound good?" He asked, leaning forward a bit.

"Depends on the time limit," he breathed, blood flow returning to his brain as his heart and body were allowed to calm down again, though he squirmed a little to readjust himself. He found he was rather disappointed that Higgs had jumped away.

....he needed a life.

"Have you ever died, and repatriated?" He asked after a moment of gathering his wits and the shreds of dignity he had left. He sat up a bit straight on his chair now, watching Higgs curiously.

In some ways, he was like an excitable child. In other ways he was like a ticking timebomb.

Higgs swayed a little rolling his eyes again and letting himself fall off backwards, head first to the floor before jumping, hanging upside down from the whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. 

"Yes. What a waste of a question! You've got to get better at this!" He huffed, looking down at Heartman curiously. 

"What's your sexual preference? I see the hot babe in the picture, but I see you looking at me." He pulled a face, mouth long and eyes looking him over skeptically. "Perhaps a little bi-curious? Or just that horny? Though I do know I would make a devious woman." He laughed, cupping his chest.

Heartman flicked his wrist, typing something up with his one hand as he watched Higgs hang from the whale skeleton above his head.

"Bisexual, with a lean to interesting people," he replied, his own sort of cheeky answer, since Higgs hadn't made any rule against his answers being cheeky. "And, that's my late wife, and daughter. They were taken during the voidouts that made that crater out there. I saw them while I was on the Beach for the first time, but they walked into the water, and I was brought back," he replied, giving more information than was needed or asked.

He finished typing and glanced back up at Higgs curiously. "What's the significance of your mask? That golden one that sometimes appears in the air before you follow shortly behind."

Sam had had nightmares about that mask, about it appearing and then being on his face. He'd told Heartman about it once, but he hadn't had any answers for Sam at the time.

"Do you just have a thing for masks, or is it important in some way?"

"Ooh! Character lore!" Higgs exclaimed excitedly at Hartman's backstory. He let himself fall, jumping before hitting the ground.

When he reappeared he was kneeling in front of Heartman, cheek resting on his thigh with his nose buried in his crotch, taking in a deep breath. He let out a loud, lewd moan at the scent, looking up at him playfully. 

"The mask is a metaphor. We all wear masks, don't we? And it does look pretty cool, you must admit." His lips curled up in his own amusement, looking up at Heartman through his eyelashes. 

"Do you find me interesting?" He hummed, long tongue sticking out and trailing the tip of it slowly up along the length of the zip of his blue trousers.

His hand faltered as he was typing, the warmth of Higgs against his thigh, against his-

Oh.  
My, wasn't he pretty on his knees like that? Looking up from under his lashes, his pupils blown wide.

Heartman could only imagine the sight that he was - absolute mess of a man, being touched and teased for the first time in damn near 11 years, if not longer...

"I find you enthralling," he admitted softly, his cheeks warmed as he kept his gaze on Higgs, watching him with unabashed curiosity and more than a pinch of arousal.

"Why did you come here, to me? But more importantly, why are you staying, and not hurting me?" He asked cautiously, voice trembling.

He lost track of his minutes, but he was sure he was due for a-

________

_'....Good thing my floors are padded,' he sighed, waking up on the Beach._

_Higgs jumped with him, laying stretched out starfish style on his back, in the sand of an actual beach._

_'What would be the fun in that!?' He scoffed turning his head to look at Heartman. 'Hurting you without playing with you first? You need to use your imagination!' He dug his toes into the sand. 'And it's not too often you good guys are undeniably sexy and tragic! My two favorite things!' He rolled to his stomach, resting his chin in his hands and curling his legs up behind him._

_'What is your deepest. darkest. fantasy?' He asked, doing his best sleep over voice._

_~~Hurting you without playing with you first.~~ _

_So, hurting him wasn't completely off the table, then. That was at least good to know in advance. When this stopped being interesting to Higgs would probably be when it became dangerous for Heartman. So he had to keep things interesting._

_'I don't-' he clenched his jaw, deciding to just go for it. 'For someone to touch me and undress me while I'm here on the Beach,' he replied. 'I record the goings on of my lab, especially when I'm here on the Beach. So, theoretically, I would then watch back the footage...' he shrugged, averting his gaze, feeling a deep shameful warmth blossoming in his face, even here on the Beach._

_'Why do you want to cause voidouts?'_

_'Kinky.' Higgs smirked, vanishing into thin air. He was gone for the remainder of Heartman's trip to the Beach._

In reality. He was in Hartman's lab, unbuttoning the man's shirt, running his hands along his chest, leaving bite marks around his nipple, down his chest and unbuttoning his pants. Molesting a dead body wasn't his thing, but he would love to see the reaction when the man woke up.

Of course he would go in later and delete all of the files of this encounter, except for maybe one. 

"I don't want to cause voidouts. I want to cause chaos! Panic. Terror. The sinking feeling of being stranded in a cold world where no one cares." He answered when Heartman came to, his tongue sliding under the waistband of his underwear. He'd already licked a wet spot in the crotch of the man's pants, putting on a little show for the camera.

"Do you want me?" He asked simply, looking up at him with desire in his eyes. He couldn't help but feel just a tap insecure now. Who would want a hideous freak like him?

_When Higgs did not return, Heartman had more than an inkling of what was happening on the other side. He paced his agitation into the sand of the Beach, unable to stop the onslaught of thoughts of imaginations of what he might return to._

When he came to, Higgs' answer was the first thing that came to him, his question a close second but...

He felt cool air on his skin, a soreness on one side of his chest, and a rather embarrassing wetness somewhere where wetness ought not be.

He blinked a few times, letting all the sensations and Higgs' words settle on his brain that was really not having his attempt to run it at full capacity.

"Do I- in... in a sexual sense, do I want you?" He asked, a hitch to his voice as he glanced to Higgs, something softening when he saw the inkling of insecurity behind the dark desire in his eyes.

"I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't," he breathed, biting his own lower lip. "Though, I'm afraid I haven't been sexually active in a little over a decade," he added, as somewhat of an after thought.

Masturbation, to him, did not count as being sexually active.

"Were you worried that I would say no? That I would deny you?"

Higgs looked up to him, feeling his own panic rushing cold through his veins. He bit down hard on Heartman's hipbone, drawing blood, anger bubbling up, punishing him for not playing the game right.

"That's two questions! Now I get two!" He spat at him, pulling Heartman's pants down with a tug. He placed his mouth over the front of his underwear again, sucking and licking at him through the cloth. A soft, smooth silk. 

Naughty boy.

"Play the game right or I'll get rough!" He threatened, slipping his fingers up the leg of his underwear. "Or worse, I won't play anymore." He huffed petulantly.

The sting of pain made Heartman shout, gripping the edge of his chair. He could feel the warmth of his own blood blossoming to the surface before Higgs moved on to tease, bringing a far more pleasured gasp past Heartman's lips though his grip on the chair tightened.

"S-Sorry, sorry," he breathed, biting his own lower lip, his heart thrumming heavily in his chest, the alert flashing silently, going ignored. If he wasn't careful, Higgs might send him into an unplanned, unscheduled cardiac arrest.

Instinctively, when those cool fingers slipped up his leg, he let his legs fall open, leaving him vulnerable and exposed, completely at Higgs' mercy.

"Now you get two..." he breathed, his voice trembling from the effort it was taking to try to calm his heart.

Higgs seemed to think about what he wanted. Unsure of what to ask for now. There wasn't really anything he needed to know. If there was now would be the time with the man at his mercy. 

"Do you think I'm pretty?" He asked quietly, looking up at him, wide eyes and thick lashes again. He slipped his fingers under the waistband again, slowly pulling his underwear down. 

He watched the man's cock spring up with enjoyment, eyes lighting up at the sight of it.

He wasn't sure if the question, or the sensation of being stripped, and watched so closely, and _touched_ was the cause of his shiver, but he looked to Higgs, careful to let his eyes trail over the man's face.

Dark black goo was scribbled on his forehead, forming equations for... something? He couldn't make them out clearly enough, and the makeup smeared his eyes, but even like this, Heartman couldn't deny his attraction to the other man.

"Beautiful," he breathed sincerely, sitting up slightly. "Truly."

Liar..." Higgs looked away, dejected, dragging his tongue along the head of Heartman's cock. He got to work, feeling his eyes water and his hatred bubbling up in his stomach, boiling like tar. 

He got to work on the man's cock, making a sloppy wet mess of it. It wasn't enough to get him off, but enough for the man to enjoy it.

The sad way Higgs replied and threw himself into trying to pleasure Heartman made the other man feel some burn of anger. He fought against the urge to rock his hips, instead pulling himself away from Higgs, moving to him carefully.

"I'm going to touch you," he warned quietly before taking the other man's face into his hands, holding him there as he searched his face. "You listen to me, and you listen good-" he started, his voice stern but gentle, just as his grip on Higgs' face was.

"I am a _shit_ liar, so I will tell you again, and tell you with conviction, that you are beautiful, Higgs. Physically appealing, mentally, emotionally, spiritually intriguing and enthralling," he paused, moving his thumb to brush beneath Higgs' eyes. "Do you hear me?"

Higgs was embarrassed as he leaned into the gentle touch. For all his ego and bravado, it didn't take much to break him down and tear him apart. 

He felt a sob break from his throat, feeling like he didn't deserve the tenderness from this man. He knew he was just a pawn in a game bigger than he'd ever be, he was no God, just a lowly servant. 

"Why? Why would you say something like that?"

Seeing the metaphorical mask crack and fall, Heartman felt an ache in his chest as he pulled Higgs against him, holding him in a warm hug.

"Because it's true, and evidently it's some truth that you needed to hear," he whispered quietly, absently drawing circles on Higgs back with gentle, ghosting fingertips.  
"Why don't you believe me?"

The claiming to be a God thing was just another layer of his masks, then. Hoe much of all of this was just a piece of that mask, now broken. ...and what did a broken mask mean for Heartman?

If he died, other than because of his cardiac arrest... if Higgs got angry enough to kill him, would that be it for him?

Higgs let himself be held, melting into the touch. He sat like that for several moments, crying and just letting the other man comfort him. 

"I don't think I want to play any more right now..." he mumbled, looking Heartman over one last time before jumping and leaving him there alone. 

He needed time to think. That was supposed to be fun and he'd just exposed himself like that. He was sure the man would tell the other members. He sat in his chair in his little lair, getting to work on deleting the files at Heartman's lab. He left 3 minutes of one of the video collection, deleting everything else.

Heartman sighed, the weight in his arms disappearing, the warmth going with him.  
He waited a few moments, mostly to see if Higgs would return. When he didn't, and it was nearly time for another trip to the Beach, Heartman got himself dressed again - in fresh clothes, thank you - and checked his records.

He couldn't help the grin as he watched some of the video and audio records disappear right in front of his eyes.

"So you're in my system, are you?" He hummed softly, typing quickly to save a few things directly to his locked personal files, so he could look through when he came back.

"My turn to chase after you," he murmured as he laid back on his chair listening to his countdown.


	2. Chapter 2

___________

"Higgs!" He called on the Beach, doing as he did before and traveling in one direction for as long as he could muster, jumping Beaches as he did so, trying to locate the man that had so boldly claimed that he was the master of the Beaches, master of death itself.

"Please, Higgs...I know you can hear me."

When Higgs finally came to the sound of his name, knowing the voice, he looked rough. He'd been crying, throwing things around his room and screaming. He'd fucked up, he knew he had. And if Amelie found out... he shuddered at the thought, feeling his blood run cold. 

So when he jumped, it wasn't too the Beach. He waited sitting on the couch of the man's lab. He thought about starting the little game back up, playing into Heartman's fantasy but decided against it. It was too late. Game over.

Heartman knew his deepest, ugliest secret. He knew that he was nothing. A spec of dust in the grand scheme of things. Why was he even here?

No sign of the man on the Beaches, and Heartman had jumped around from Beach to Beach as quickly and efficiently as he could manage within his time limit. But he felt himself slip away from the Beach and back to his lab, sitting up with a frustrated growl, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes.

...but he could sense someone else in his lab.

Slowly, he lowered his hands, a soft gasp leaving his lips when he saw Higgs on his couch.

"Higgs!" He exclaimed softly, pushing himself up, making his way toward the couch, hands out in a show of peace, and not wanting to scare the other man into jumping away. "Thank you, for coming back... are you.... are you alright?"

Higgs looked up at the man with an irritated _'what do you think'_ look. He let Heartman come closer to him cautiously. 

"What did you want?"

Heartman gave him a rather sympathetic look, an apology for the rather stupid question, perhaps he really did need to work on better questions. Without pushing further on the subject, he brought Higgs close to himself, holding the other man.  
This wasn't a terrorist in his home, now. This was a broken man that needed a gentle hand, someone to be kind to him. Heartman understood that.

"I want for you not to go. You're clearly upset, and despite my stupid question, I do realize that, I'm sorry," he replied quietly, being careful not to move too much as he held Higgs against him. He didn't want to startle the other man and make him want to jump from this place. "You can stay here, you can talk to me. I've turned off the surveillance. Even removed my cufflinks," he added, lifting his wrist to show the freed skin. "No one can listen in, nothing is being recorded. Whatever you say to me is said in a safe space between friends."

Higgs relaxed at the sight of the missing cufflink. He didn't completely trust the other man, knowing he was far smarter than that.

"What's wrong with you? Does your heart deformity cause damage to your brain? We're not friends!" Higgs hissed pushing Heartman off him. He jumped across the room, sitting in the chair now. 

"We're both just using each other aren't we? A means to an end and you've gotten a taste for the type of games I play." He said simply, straightening himself up again, slowly slipping back together, rebuilding his walls. 

He was still a little emotionally bruised, but he could ignore the pain.

Heartman's shoulders sagged somewhat, a sigh slipping past his lips as he turned to look at Higgs, crossing one leg.

"I suppose we're not, then," he murmured absently, looking genuinely upset by the verbal admittance. "However, I'm not using you. I simply want to get to know you," he explained, looking at the padded floor between them, wondering if he could ever actually keep his place inside of Higgs' walls.

He knew a thing or two about building walls against pain, after-all, but everyone's pains were different, and everyone's walls were built for different reasons.  
He still had no clue why Higgs had such strong walls up....

"I just want to help, if I can."

"Why? What do you care?" Higgs crossed his arms, falling back into the chair with a bit of dramatic flair. 

"Get hooked on my ass that quick that you can't wait to get a taste of me? Enjoyed the cold open and are looking forward to the main show?" He chewed his bottom lip, putting on his best bedroom eyes again.

Heartman sighed, shaking his head. "Higgs, I'm attempting to be serious, and while I must admit it has been a long time since anyone has touched me the way you have, and it was rather..." he cleared his throat, adjusting the way he was sitting as his cheeks burned bright red. "... _enjoyable_... I realize now that there's something else going on behind that mask of yours. I want to help. I can help, if you'll let me..."

"Maybe I don't want your help? Maybe all I want from you is for you to shove your cock so far down my throat I suffocate. Don't worry, I won't be long." Higgs purred, sitting back up and leaning forward with interest. 

He'd caught the way he'd shifted, heard the way his heartrate picked up on the monitor. He knew Heartman wanted to fuck him and that was his safe zone. He could bask in the attention of him for a little while. Regain his confidence, hide behind his allure until maybe he believed the act himself.

The man's heart skipped, but he shook his head, rolling his eyes a bit.  
"Well I'm obviously not going to do that," Heartman huffed, averting his gaze, throwing his head back on the back of the couch in his agitation. "If you don't want my help, what do you want? Why did you come back? You could have ignored my call, surely."

Unless calling for the man was all it took to summon him? ...it was possible, obviously, but Heartman felt that surely Higgs must have a bit more say in where he went than that.

"I just told you what I wanted. Don't you ever listen?" Higgs huffed, jumping so he was now on his knees in front if Heartman. He rested his hands on the man's thighs, his chin propped on a delicate knee. 

"Perhaps new rules to an old game? I'll give you answers, but for every question you ask I get to do what I want." He offered, teasing his fingers along the outsides of his thighs.

"Playing along is the only way I'll get answers, then," he sighed, looking down at Higgs, his breath hitching slightly.

He really was beautiful, even broken as he was. It made Heartman wonder if a broken thing like he was could be as appealing as Higgs was...

"I meant, more, if you don't want my help, but you want..." he cleared his throat, "...other things from me, why me? You could jump anywhere, be anywhere, surely be with anyone, if you wanted..."

Why be with someone who died every 21 minutes?

Speaking of-

**5 minutes until cardiac arrest.**

"You better ask your questions quick. I have no problem playing with a dead body." Higgs winked up at Heartman, moving his hands to the tops of his legs, sliding up toward his belt. 

"Because you want me back. And because you're playing the game. I like when people follow the rules! Nice neat, fun!" He explained with a spark in his eyes again. "Though you really should check your brain function for any possible damage. You must have hit your head at some point if this is what gets you going."

"My brain functions perfectly well, I'll thank you," Heartman huffed, tried to sound offended, but the soft breathy gasps sort of negated that a bit.

"I didn't follow the rules last time, asked two questions in a row without giving you your go. Do I get to ask multiple questions this time, since the rule is for every question you do what you want? You just count the questions, answer, and take what you want in return?"

**2 minutes until cardiac arrest. Please proceed to a safe location.**

"Yes. To both of those." Higgs nodded in agreement, sliding his hands down, spreading Heartman's legs by the knees, slowly. 

"This time you get to control the game. My rules, your judgement. I do hope you play fair." He looked up at him with a playful pout on his face.

_I control the game_... he thought, his breath catching in his throat.

"Have you ever loved anyone, Higgs?" He asked, going right for the hear with that one, even as his own heart gave out, his body going limp as he flatlined and he woke on the Beach.

_Is he following me this time?_ He wondered as he looked around carefully, recognizing his own Beach easily.

He rested his cheek against the other man's blue clad inner thigh, letting his eyes water while he spent the 3 minutes lost in thought.

When Heartman was back in his body, Higgs still sat quietly. "Only once. But they didn't love me back." He answered solemnly. It was the first time he'd learned about life and death. It was then that he learned how truly fucked they all were.

The first thing Heartman noticed when he returned was that Higgs hadn't move, the second thing being that his eyes were glassy from tears welled in them.

"....what happened to them?" He asked quietly, almost afraid to find out. Had they been caught in a voidout? Was that how Higgs had found out about his being a repatriate? Is that what broke him so severely?

So many questions branching from his singular question flooded his mind, suddenly more focused on learning more about the other man than the sexual advances he was still fulfilling.

Blinking and letting tears roll down his cheeks, he didn't move but to wrap his arms around Heartman's leg, holding it tightly against his chest. Trying to make that ache go away that rested heavy in his heart. 

"He died." He answered simply, eyes distant, voice quiet and lost. His mind was somewhere else, remembering of dreaming of steel skies.

Cautiously, Heartman reached out to Higgs, hesitating in touching him, not wanting to cross a line. When his tears started to slip down his cheeks, though, he couldn't help but reach out the rest of the way and cup Higgs' cheek, searching his face.

"I'm so sorry..." he breathed softly. "It's never easy to... to lose someone that you love. Have you been dealing with his loss on your own this whole time...?" He added quietly, that want to help, to heal, only growing in intensity.

He wanted to help Higgs, to know him and to be close.

"His death was the best thing to ever happen to me. When I felt his blood on my hands, pouring over me, I knew I was finally free." He breathed, voice trembling, still lost in a memory. 

He took in a shaking breath, eyes fluttering shut. "And when his body went necro, bringing the BTs to us, then was the moment that I knew he'd lied. I knew then that I was TRULY special." He explained through a clenched jaw, anger and excitement at the memory of watching his body turn.

Well that... took a bit of a turn.  
Heartman's heart skipped a beat or two, listening to the anger, the excitement, the awe in Higgs voice as he recalled a memory.

He loved someone and they... died? Possibly Higgs killed them, but it seemed like... maybe this person deserved it?

"He lied to you? How did he lie to you, what did he say to you that was a lie?" He asked, trying to piece together more of Higgs' past, wanting to know, needing to. That part of him that craved information and the part of him that was feeling connected to Higgs and wanting to help him were both agreeing on one thing: learn as much as possible.

"There was a whole world outside our shelter. Big and beautiful and horrid!" Higgs' eyes lit up, thinking back to the fear and dread when he'd first left the shelter. Excitement followed, it was suffocating to be out in the open air, only once having done so as a baby. 

" _'You're born in the shelter, you live in the shelter, you die in the shelter.'_ Well I wasn't dying in no fucking shelter." He looked up at Heartman, only his eyes moving, the man was almost unnaturally still for his usual state. 

He'd left a wet spot on the man's leg where his tears had been gathering. "I decided to live. Because of his death I was born that day."

Heartman was careful to not move, to stay quiet while Higgs got out what he needed to, but listening to him, it sounded like the person who died wasn't a partner, but possibly a parent, or some other guardian.  
Which, of course, made Heartman's stomach turn.  
He understood wanting to keep your child safe, so perhaps not wanting them to leave the shelter, but this particular case didn't sound like protection...

"How old were you, then? When you were born again because of his death," he asked softly, trying to piece together a loose timeline of events for Higgs past.

Higgs squinted, trying to think. He didn't really know how old he was. They never kept track of it and being born in a shelter meant no birth records. 

"I don't know. Maybe 12? Maybe older? Could have been younger." He shrugged, not seeing how it mattered. The years he spent as a porter and the days leading up to now were some of the best years of life so far. 

Though he was learning to hate this. Being used as a game piece, forced to stay in his bunker again until he was allowed out. If she knew he was here now... well he didn't want to think of that. 

The cycles always repeat themselves.

Shaking his head, Heartman sighed, closing his eyes. "That's awful..." he murmured quietly. "Do you have your own place, now? To live, I mean."

If he didn't.... if he didn't, Heartman was severely considering just letting him stay here. He had a whole area of his home that he rarely spent time in, anyway... It would be nice for someone to get use out of it, if he needed it.

He could be safe here, could do as he pleased here and Heartman would protect him, would help keep him from doing any other dangerous things and maybe... maybe he could help to heal age old wounds, or at least keep them from festering.

Higgs looked up at Heartman. "I'm not homeless if that's what you mean." He said simply, dragging his cheek against his pants just to feel the texture. It was soothing.

"It's more than you need to know, but I'm already dead. Once I've played my part and served my purpose... well who knows. But I don't think I'll like the outcome."

"My body is here, but my soul is always on the Beach," he explained with something of a shrug. "So I understand already being dead," he replied carefully, furrowing his brow slightly.

"But...if you ever need anywhere to go, my door is open to you. I've a whole room and kitchen that I don't really use too often... it would be nice to see it have a use," he added, reaching down to card his fingers through Higgs' hair.

"And in return?" He asked skeptically, not trusting that there wasn't a give and take. In Higgs' case it was usually people just taking and using him.

And despite his distrust he leaned into the soft touch, eyes fluttering shut at the gentle treatment.

"In return?" Heartman asked, brow raised. "It would just be nice to not be living here alone. I might actually make meals again, proper ones," he hummed, absently playing with Higgs' hair, being gentle and careful not to pull.

"It's just me here in this place, always has been," he closed his eyes, letting out a breath. "So, if you ever need somewhere else to be, or somewhere to stay on a more permanent basis instead of where you are now... Just know that you're more than welcome here."

"But what do you want from me out of this?" Higgs looked up at him, eyes confused and still wet from his crying. 

"I can be anything you want..."

"You can be company. Someone to live here, even while I am dead," he replied, looking down at Higgs with a gentleness in his eyes that he knew the other man needed.

No one had ever treated him softly, it seemed, and that was a damn shame.

"But you don't _have_ to stay, if you don't want to. It's an option, and it's your choice. So, think about it, for a bit."

Higgs nodded, eyes a bit distant still. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and just resting his head in the man's lap. 

He let gentle touches soothe him, feeling like he could purr any moment now. He'd never felt so warm and content and so empty in his life. 

He wondered what this man saw in him. How he hadn't been found wanting, just like everyone else who'd ever used him had been. He'd never been enough.

Seeing the other man finally starting to relax a bit, Heartman felt a tension release from his body that he didn't realize had built up. He was so worried that digging so far, pushing even lightly, would make Higgs snap. That he would be putting himself in a dangerous situation with no real way out of it.

Instead, he had the man practically purring contentedly in his lap like an oversized cat. The sight made his heart feel warm, and made him happy that no one ever came to visit him.

He continued playing with the other man's hair, remaining gentle and careful.

**10 minutes until cardiac arrest.**

"Do you want me to leave? If it's fine with you, I'd like to stay for now." Higgs whispered, letting himself rest for now. 

He'd been active so long, pulled so taught, under so much pressure. He hadn't realized how tired was.

"I've already said that you're welcome here whenever and for as long as you'd like to be here, I'm not going to rescind the offer just because I'm about to leave you, temporarily, for the Beach," he smiled gently down at Higgs, playing carefully with his hair.

"If you like, in the other room is a kitchen, and just beyond that is a bedroom with an attached bathroom. You just make yourself at home, alright? I'll only be gone 3 minutes in real time."

He nodded slowly, not planning on getting up, content where he was, here on his knees. He let his eyes slip closed again, letting his mind relax and wander. 

No pressure here. No masks needed to be worn for now. Higgs felt so small again.

Feeling the other man relax, Heartman allowed himself to relax as well, letting his countdown go down until

___________

_On the Beach, it was quiet, but less so than his lab. There were sounds of waves crashing, sounds of muffled creatures. He didn't hate being on the Beach, but he didn't enjoy it, or find it as fascinating as he once did.  
Life, and death, were both repetitive and boring._

_...until Higgs.  
Higgs brought interest back to his life, at least temporarily._

Higgs just rested. No more teasing, no more touching. At least not for now. 

He let sleep take him, feeling light and like he was floating, drifting along in warm water. No dreams, no nightmares, no Amelie, no Daddy, everything was safe. Comfortable.

Pulling back to the world, Heartman gasped a breath, careful not to move too quickly. When he centered himself, he looked down to Higgs, smiling softly as he saw the man comfortably resting, sleeping.

He looked so different like this, even more beautiful than he was before.

There were so many sides to Higgs, so many faces, so many masks, but now here he was... totally and completely himself, with no masks.

"Beautiful..." he breathed, returning to gently playing with the other man's hair.

Higgs stirred, looking up at the other man with a yawn. "Should I go now?" He asked, nuzzling against his leg. 

"You've put up with so much and gotten nothing in return..." he sighed, putting his hands up to rest on his thighs again, his thumbs rubbing circles. "I'll need to go back soon."

"You don't have to go..." Heartman hummed quietly, furrowing his brow slightly.  
The peace that settled onto Higgs' face while he slept was gone again, now that he was awake. Something was troubling him, now, and Heartman wondered what it is, who had him under their thumb now?

"You can stay here, sleep here..."

"I can't stay. I have to be... where I belong if... someone... comes looking for me. If I'm not there... that someone gets angry." Higgs explained, remaining vague on the subject. 

"I've already said too much to you. You have to promise to play fair. I can give you things. Reward you for good behavior."

The man raised a brow and chuckled. "Reward me for good behavior? What, for not asking you to be less vague? Not pushing the topic?" He asked, letting his hand slip down to cup Higgs' cheek, his thumb brushing against his cheekbone.

"Come back whenever you can, whenever you want to, alright? You will always be welcome here with me, to stay as long as you're.... allowed," he scrunched his nose, hating to use that word that way, but it seemed precisely what this was.

Higgs wasn't allowed out, but he was more rebellious now than the first time, and went out at least sometimes, when he felt like it, but still always returned like the good boy he was.

....he didn't like thinking of Higgs like that, either.

Higgs leaned into the touch again, loving the gentle attention more than anything he'd gotten before. Used to being touched with a heavy hand. 

"I'll come back. Thank you..." he looked up at him, pushing his lips to the man's hand, cheeks pink before jumping again, back home. 

It was suffocating and quiet, claustrophobic. He felt walled in again, laying on the floor and looking up at the steel sky. 

The end was near. He'd wanted it. Encouraged it be over with. Why now was he feeling that this could be a mistake? Because one man out of all who came before decided to be gentle with him? 

He really was damaged goods.

The space where Higgs left from felt heavy, but in an uncomfortable and unsettling sort of sense. The man had been so calmed, so peaceful here and seemed to enjoy and need the gentle hand that Heartman was more than willing to provide.

Who was the one guiding him? Who was the one pulling his strings and keeping him hidden away like a piece to a game?  
He was a human being, one with feelings - and a lot of those - one that needed and deserved to be treated far better than he was being treated.

Shortly, when his cycle was up, Heartman let himself slip to the Beach, making the jump to other Beaches in an attempts to find Higgs, to find his Beach.

You could tell a good deal about a person by their Beach...

He hesitated, however, stopping on a Beach that was teeming with wildlife. What if trying to find Higgs' Beach was a bad idea? What if that got them both into trouble?

He could be patient. He could wait for the other man to return of his own accord, and he would.

So Heartman carried on in his usual manner, studying the Beaches in death, and formulating new tools for Sam in life. Not getting much sleep, not eating more than those awful basic meal bars provided by Bridges. He thought about Higgs, on and off, wondering how the other man was.


	3. Chapter 3

Once Higgs had served his purpose for the time being he was awarded with some free time. More or less just time where he didn't matter and she didn't pay any mind to him, forgetting his existence until it was necessary and useful again. 

He'd jumped back to the man's lab again, quiet and watching him in death. He wondered if he would be allowed to pass peacefully or if it would be painful and violent. Would he be remembered when he was gone? Or would he just be pushed to the back of everyone's mind when he was no longer of any use? 

He curled up on the man's couch, quietly waiting for him to return.

Returning from his Beach trip, Heartman flipped his hourglass and instinctively flicked his wrist to write a summary for himself, but since Higgs' visit the last time, he'd never put his cufflinks back on.  
Furrowing his brow a bit, he sat up to move to his computer when he spotted the man on his couch.  
His face lit up with a smile as he paused there on his chair.

"Hungry?" He asked, as if this was absolutely normal and nothing was amiss. He figured that, perhaps it would be good for the other man if Heartman treated his visits as normal.  
He wished they were more normal, as in more regular, but he would take what he could get.

Higgs watched him move about, unaware of him for a few moments. He saw how the man visibly lit up when he realized he was there. He felt his heart pick up, surprised and curious at the feeling. 

"I guess so. I suppose I could eat." He sat up slowly, watching him with interest. "I bet you important Bridges folks get all the good food while the rest of us are stuck eating the DELICIOUS protien paste." He patted his tummy, thinking of the disgusting gray paste that most of the preppers lived off of.

"I mostly eat that shit, actually," he replied with something of a shrug. "Its easier for me, more convenient in 21 minutes than anything else, but I do have actual food, too."

That he recently had delivered, hoping Higgs would return and visit him for a longer period of time, but who was counting?

"Besides, I'm here alone - making actual meals would just be a waste..." he added, as he pushed away from his chair to move to the kitchen. "Can you imagine me trying to cook, were someone not here with me? Things would burn, and I would be getting myself hurt all the time, collapsing by the stove or what not," he chuckled, shaking his head as he moved about the kitchen.

Despite his long stint of eating mainly just the protein paste and meal bars, Heartman did actually know how to cook.

"You really eat that shit? Do they make fancy ones that have a flavor?" Higgs teased, following him, practically bouncing along on the padded floor. 

"I just wish they would add more chocolate chips. I know they have them." He commented, still going on about the meal bars. "Sometimes, when I'm really lucky, I'm able to get a pizza delivered. Wouldn't be ideal for you to have one up here, but I do love the old food. Was the first thing I ate once I'd made my way into my first city."

"Same stuff, nothing fancy, no added flavor. Its quick and easy for eating while I'm working," Heartman shrugged, speaking as he started working on putting food together for them.

"I can honestly say...I don't think I've had pizza since the first Stranding. Are they still any good?" He asked, wondering if he should put in a request for the ingredients needed to make his own pizza, so he could make one for Higgs.  
"What's your favorite food? If it's pizza, what's your favorite _besides_ that."

Higgs shrugged, not quite sure. "Don't get food much anymore. It's pretty rare for us preppers to have anything but the protein. I've eaten rodents before, they're alright. I've seen people eat each other people before bodies go necro." He blabbed on, feeling comfortable. He'd been cooped up and his favorite thing always was to talk. Now he was being given the opportunity to do so.

"I really like sweets. I've only had those a couple times working with Fragile. She was a woman with money and power. She had access to some fantastic things."

Mentally, Heartman made a note to also put in a request for some sweets, maybe some extra chocolate chips, or some ingredients to make cookies or brownies, maybe even a pie.  
Oh, fruit was sweet, too... perhaps if he could get his hands on some seeds he could grow his own...

He listened to Higgs speak as his mind raced in it's own multitudes of directions, all while making them food.

**10 minutes until cardiac arrest.**

"Higgs, I'm going to need your help while I'm on the Beach, alright? Can you watch the pots for me? If they start to boil over too much, just turn the heat down."

"I may be pretty, but I'm not stupid. I do have some clue how to care for myself." Higgs smirked, watching him work. 

"Do you put this kind of effort in for all your guests?"

"I don't have any guests," he replied easily, stepping away from the pots to take one of the seats opposite Higgs.  
"And, I in no way meant that I thought you were stupid. You're beautiful and intelligent, a dangerous combination," he hummed, leaning back on his chair as his alert told him he had 2 minutes left.

Higgs watched again as the man died, curious by it. He'd only ever seen people die by his hands in acts of extreme violence. Their eyes usually open, faces twisted in some sort of emotion.

For Heartman, it was as natural as going to the bathroom or scratching your head. He was used to it, so he went into it like any other mundane task. It was fascinating to watch him, peaceful and still. 

He hoped that his final trip to the Beach would be much the same. He deserved it. He was too kind to be part of this world. Too good to suffer in it. 

Perhaps when the end came he could come back, allow him to die and detach him from his AED. Let him go, unassuming and comfortable.

Even on the Beach, for some reason, Heartman felt as though he were being watched. He couldn't explain it - he had died while others were around before and he never once felt as though he was being watched.

Something about Higgs, then. Probably his intensely strong connection to the Beach, made it so that Heartman could still feel him there, on the other side.  
It wasn't unnerving, but more endearing.  
He wondered if Higgs held interest for him as he held interest for Higgs.

There was so much left unknown about him, and Heartman loved to learn new things, loved to discover.

Coming back from the Beach, Heartman sucked in a breath, his hand going to his chest. There was a dull ache in his chest, one that he hadn't felt in a while.

Higgs had turned off the boiling pots, turning to them. A little embarrassed to be caught watching, not wanting the man to know he was completely lost in him.

He busied himself with setting up portions, getting food for the other man before himself. He sat across from him, breathing in the scent of the food and sighing. "You are a man of many talents."

A soft chuckle and Heartman shook his head. "I wouldn't go so far as to say many, or to call this a talent," he smiled as he switched their plates, noticing Higgs had given himself less food than he had given Heartman.

"I hope it's better than protein paste and meal bars," he chuckled, taking his first bite, waiting for Higgs to do the same.

Higgs blinked at the thoughtful act, confused by it. He took his first bites, taking his time and enjoying a hot meal with good company.

He was pretty vocal about his enjoyment of his meal, telling him how grateful he was after, even burping and taking joy in the feeling if a full stomach. 

"Thank you! This is the best thing I've eaten in a long time!" He laughed, automatically taking the empty dishes and going to the sink, cleaning up.

The small smile that tugged Heartman's lips felt easy, felt nice. Hearing Higgs so thankful and so happy was a step in the right direction, he thought.

"I'll make food for you as often as you come to visit," he hummed, absentmindedly watching Higgs clean their dishes. "I'll try to have a surprise for you next time, but I can't make any promises. It depends on the porters in the area, and I'd they can being me the items I need," he added, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.

"Do you... do you have to go back, or can you stay a while longer?" He asked after a few moments of quiet.

Higgs froze, grabbing tightly on the counter, unsure of himself. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked carefully, waiting for an answer. 

It felt odd for someone to want him around. To want him in a way that didn't use him.

"I'd love for you to," he replied easily, noticing the man's tension, wishing he could ease it, but not wanting to make things worse by startling him with too quick of movements.

"After a good meal, a good rest is always a good idea. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, there is a hot spring not too far from here. I haven't gone since I nearly _permanently_ killed myself out there, but... it's still a nice place, despite that," he chuckled lightly, leaning back in his chair a bit. "But, if you need to eat and run, I understand. Or... well, I don't, but I understand that it is important to you not to upset this... person or being that wants you back at certain times..."

"I've earned myself some alone time... and I'd rather not spend it alone. I think I'd like to do whatever you want." Higgs nodded sheepishly, feeling shy, feeling like he wasn't himself. He didn't deserve this, but he wanted to pretend.

"Hot springs sounds nice. I've never gotten to use one, but I'd like to try."

With a nod, Heartman pushed himself up from the table and check his countdown, furrowing his brow.  
"We should probably wait for my next cycle to come around. I don't particularly want to pass out face first into the snow..." he laughed sheepishly, gesturing for Higgs to follow him.

"Meantime, let me show you the rest of in here, so you know where things are if you need to get away."

"Its fine. I don't want to take advantage of your hospitality." Higgs shook his head. "I'll just sit down and wait, maybe look through your collection? I won't touch anything." He looked down at his feet.

He felt like that small little boy again, the one who hung on his Daddy's words, believed everything that horrible man said to be the word of God. Now here he was, a God in his own right and he was kneeling at the feet of a man who must be a true, merciful God.

"I encourage you to touch," he said with a shrug. "I'd rather you know where the bathroom and bedroom are, as well, more for if you ever stop by and I'm on the Beach and you need a space to your own that isn't... wherever you usually are," he hummed, biting his lip.

He made his way into the bedroom, waiting for Higgs. "You could even play some of the movies and shows, if you like. It's what they're there for. And I've plenty of books you could read to, if they interest you."

"You do seem to like when I touch, don't you?" Higgs teased with a wink, feeling a bit more himself again. He jumped, stretching himself out of the bed. 

"Eager to show me the bedroom?" He teased, rolling on the bed. "Oh! Its sooo soft! This is so much nicer than what I have! It sure doesn't pay to be bad." He sat up, arms and legs crossed, pouting again.

"It never gets used by me, so you might as well consider this your spare bed, when you feel like pampering yourself and getting better sleep," he smiled softly, his cheeks a little warmed from the teasing, though he was quickly learning to take that in stride.

"And, for the record, I don't think you're bad, Higgs. Misunderstood and hung out to dry as a scapegoat, sure, but bad? Truly and actually bad?" Heartman shook his head. "I don't think so."

"You don't know me all that well, my dear. It may not pay to be bad, but it sure does feel good." Higgs hummed, watching him now. 

He was truly bad. A murderer. He liked it, enjoyed watching people's light fade from their eyes, watching the moment their soul left their body, moving on to the Beach. It gave him power and to him power was everything. Power was freedom.

Heartman blinked, that warmth in his cheeks not fading, instead it seemed to have been fueled, perhaps by the way Higgs damn near purred his words, or that gleam in his eyes as he said it.

Maybe... maybe he was bad?  
But... he'd never done anything bad towards Heartman, or in his general direction.  
So, how could he be all bad, in that case? How could Heartman possibly see him as bad?

"Feel good? Care to... elaborate what you mean by that?"

"Have you ever done anything you shouldn't? Jerked off in a public place or anything like that?" Higgs asked, his words held a playful tone.

"You know you shouldn't do it, you know it's wrong and you know it's dirty, but it feels so good. And you know at any point you could be caught, stopped and theres the thrill to it." He explained voice shaking with excitement. 

"It can feel a lot like that to have blood on your hands, excitement and power, knowing that you have control over life and death. Knowing that you aren't simply a game piece, a pawn to be used. That you are so much more."

For the first time since Higgs appeared in his lab, Heartman felt a touch of fear invade his mind as he watched the other man there on the bed.  
The fear, however, was outweighed by something else far more embarrassing...

His cheeks were warm as he blinked a few times, just looking at Higgs, a bit at a loss for words.

Was he a bad person, then?  
By the logic of Higgs' words, Bridges would surely classify him as bad, as a traitor.  
He was here with the leader of the terrorist group and was having dinner with him, planning to make him dinner another time and possibly a dessert.  
They'd... fooled around a little, and he had given Higgs an open invitation to return anytime.

"But I know that I'm just a game piece," he murmured absently. To Bridges, to Bridget and to Die-Hardman, he was a means to an end. He was their master of life and death, able to study death up close because he suffered it, over and over and over again.

Higgs watched, tilting his head, realizing he'd hit a nerve. "They call me a monster, but all I am is a toy, a faithful little soldier, a pawn in a game that's run by the true monster. Oh, Heartman, if you had any idea of what I knew..." he breathed, crawling toward him on the bed. 

"Those people who would use you, keep you prisoner to your own devices, the end of your own existence, well now they are the ones who are truly bad. The handful of lives I've taken are nothing compared to the real horrors that they've hidden."

Blinking again, confusion overtook the upset look on his face as he stepped closer. "Bridges...?" He asked quietly, glad that he had forgotten to put his cufflinks back on and that he never monitored this section of his home.

"They're hiding something? I mean... something else?" He asked, his voice hushed as he looked at Higgs as if he had all the answers.

...as if he were a God.

"I know they aren't good, I know that... I know of quite a few things that Bridges has done that I don't agree with, but... I have nothing else. I can't exactly do any other job..."

"Not everyone in Bridget Strand's cult has committed atrocities, but shes committed more than enough for us all and even continues to do so." Higgs said, deciding to remain unspecific in fear of admitting to something. 

"It will all make sense real soon. And when it does you will see what I mean."

"But... But I watched Bridget die..." he furrowed his brow, his confusion deepening. "She didn't have DOOMS and definitely wasn't a repatriate... Sam even brought her body to the incinerator," he confessed, unknowingly taking another step closer to Higgs.

"Higgs, what's going to happen...?"

Higgs smiled holding up his finger and wagging it. "Uh uh, I can't tell you everything. Where's the fun in that?" He laughed, bouncing up on his knees. 

"I do hope you're ready for the end of the world. Even Gods fall at the end of everything." He warned, jumping away back home, terrified he'd said too much. If he had she would know, but it still seemed like she was busy playing with Sam to notice him. 

Maybe he'd gotten off easy this time.

Higgs' words left him feeling... confused and worried, mostly. How else was he supposed to feel about that?  
Hope you're ready for the end of the world? Even Gods fall at the end of everything?  
Was another Stranding close? The Extinction Event that he was telling Sam about so long ago now... was that what was going on? Was Higgs a part of that?  
Was the end coming...?

He hoped not, obviously. He still had much to do and things to explore.

With a sigh, Heartman lay himself down on the bed for the first time in a very long time and let his eyes fall closed. He let himself try to sleep as he waited for his next trip to the Beach, where maybe he could search for some answers that Higgs couldn't - or wouldn't - provide for him outright.

When Higgs jumped back to Heartman he'd found him in the same place on the bed. He climbed in, resting his head on the man's stomach and holding on tightly to hits hips. He looked like a small child clinging to their parent.

He looked rough, exhausted and pale, a bit bruised and beat up. He'd had himself another tantrum in his bunker, afraid Amelie would find out what he'd done. She may have, or possibly sensed his guilt since she sure did carry out punishment. 

Perhaps it was unrelated though because he was still alive and had his power.

Heartman stirred from his trip to the Beach, feeling a weighted warmth holding closely to him. Letting his eyes flutter open, he found himself face to face with a rather tired looking Higgs.  
A soft gasp fell from him as he came to a bit more and started to notice the bruising, the bleeding lip, the gash above his eye.

"Higgs..." he breathed, carefully moving his still heavy feeling arm to reach up and touch Higgs' face gently. "You poor thing..." he murmured, not wanting to disturb him too much, but wanting to take care of his wounds, get him cleaned up if he would allow that.

He flinched at the touch, thinking for a moment that Heartman would press at the bruising. Maybe give him a few more. 

Don't get him wrong, he loved being roughed up, hit, being choked was his favorite. But when Amelie got her hands on him, sometimes he felt like that small boy in the bunker at Daddy's mercy. He was powerless against her and he knew, from experience there were far worse things she could do to him. 

So he clung to the only man who'd ever shown him any tenderness, even afraid of his possible temper.

"Sorry, sorry," he whispered, taking his hand away carefully, not moving too quickly. "I just- ...what happened? Who hurt you?" He asked quietly, wanting to touch again, wanting to try to soothe whatever pain the other man might be feeling.

It was all base instincts, really. Heartman cared far too much for his own good, especially after the things that Higgs had admitted to him. Still, Heartman chose to see Higgs for the soft person that he could see him as, for the not completely bad person he showed himself to be here in the safety of Heartman's lab.

"Will you... will you let me clean you up and take a look at your wounds? I've got medical experience, at least in minor first aid."

Higgs nuzzled his face against the mans belly. He enjoyed the contrast of his own blood on the crisp white of the mans shirt. 

Even enjoying the way it looked, Higgs knew he'd never see the man's blood by his own hand. Violence was never going to be an option when it came to him. He was special. If he'd ever have the need to kill the man he would do so in the most peaceful way possible. He would set him free.

"I don't think you should clean them." He frowned, feeling he didn't deserve the kindness. He deserved to feel his wounds open and sore.

"And why would that be?" He asked softly, not wanting to argue with Higgs, so much as, just wanting to know why he thought his wounds shouldn't be cleaned, or perhaps why they shouldn't be cleaned by Heartman in particular.

"If you would rather I didn't, at least give me the reason why, please?"

"I deserved them. They'll serve to remind me what I did and not to do it again." Higgs repeated, words for what felt like a life time ago. 

"Except I don't know what I did this time. And if it was because of my coming here... well I didn't learn that lesson." He smiled softly up at the man.

Heartman frowned, shaking his head. "You didn't deserve these injuries, especially if they were given to you because you came here to me," he said, a bit firmly as he shifted to get up.

"So let me clean you up, okay?" He asked, his voice gentle again as he looked at Higgs, a strong urge to just-

No.  
Don't go catching feelings, Heartman.

Higgs held on a little tighter, thinking about it before nodding in agreement. "Alright..." he mumbled. 

If he was going to die then he might as well enjoy some things before he goes.

Relieved that the other man didn't put up further argument, Heartman got up from the bed and offered his hand out to Higgs.

"Let's get you to the bathroom, then. Have you got injuries other than your poor face?" He asked quietly. "If you're not comfortable with me seeing other parts of your body, that's fine. You can just use the shower and I'll wait out in the bedroom for you."

"I'd let you see anything you want to see..." Higgs admitted, no teasing or taunting. He was honest. He would let this man do anything to him in return for the gentleness he's been gifted. 

"But I'd like a shower too. That sounds nice. With real water and soap..." he hummed at the thought if it.

Heartman relaxed a bit as he nodded. "Go ahead and take a shower then. I'll look over your wounds when you've finished. Take as long as you like - plenty of water around up here in the snow and with the natural spring so close," he hummed, stepping into the bathroom to show Higgs where towels and soap and everything he would need was.

"If you need anything, I'll just be right here. At least until I go back to the Beach."

Higgs nodded, going into the bathroom to take a shower. He washed and stood under the water until it ran cold, enjoying the way it felt on his back. 

He came out wrapped in a towel, feeling a little scraped raw in his chest. He wanted to tease a bit, feel like he was wanted and in control of something.

Heartman sat up, taking his breath of life again, looking to Higgs. "How do you feel? Shower do you some good?" He asked quietly, patting the side of the bed.

It wasn't just his face that was injured, then... his chest looked pretty bad... no bandages for that, but definitely some ointment to help soothe the pain of it and help it heal faster.

Higgs caught the look in the other man's eye. Sympathy. Made him feel nauseous. 

He looked himself over, seeing the horrible colors spread across his chest. Scars and handprints. He quickly moved to the bed, grabbing and pulling his tshirt on before grabbing his underwear.

"Higgs, wait-" Heartman reached out for him, but stopped himself from grabbing, his hand just sort of stopped there in the air. "...how did you get all of those...?" He asked quietly, a silent anger bubbling in his chest.

Higgs may believe himself to be purely bad, but even still, no one deserved to suffer the way someone had clearly been making him to suffer.

"...are they because of this person you won't tell me about?"

"The new ones are, yeah." He agreed, not looking at Heartman. He knew the compassion in his eyes would either make him sick or angry, so he avoided it. 

"But theres a lot of older ones there too. Times I said too much or wasn't careful enough. Maybe I got cocky and got myself killed. Sure is funny to see the look on their face when you come back!" He smiled sadly, breathing out a laugh. 

That used to be one of his favorite things, just pissing off other people he met along his way. He'd gotten a bullet to the head once or twice. But he'd gotten his fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well friends, that's all there is for now, as mewsifer and I are super hyperfixated on writing You're My Favorite Kind of Nightmare, but never fear, we aren't forever abandoning this story.
> 
> ...it might just be a while before this one gets updated again ♡
> 
> Keep on Keeping on

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhhhhh?????


End file.
